Its been an interesting seven days for me. There have been some incredible highs this week. There has been a fair amount of anxiety. There has also been sadness, anger and frustration. One thing I really do love about this journey is I am much more cognizant of my emotions now than I used to be. I also allow myself to experience and process the emotions in healthier ways. Sometimes it can be difficult to talk about them…but that has become much easier for me as well.
I’ll get to the highs and anxieties in another post. Right now, I want to discuss the sadness, anger and frustration.
If you have followed this blog or my Facebook page, you know that in early April, some members of my family rejected me. Some aunts and uncles on Mom’s side decided that my transitioning to live a healthier and happier life was wrong, for whatever reasons they had. The beliefs of one aunt and uncle were so stronger, I was told I was not to attend the wedding of one of my favorite cousins.
When I met with this aunt and uncle to discuss my transition, I was told that my transitioning was going against God’s will. I was told I was “too unique” to be at the wedding, which I interpreted to mean these family members saw me as a freak. My uncle even went so far as to say he felt I was trying to use his daughter’s wedding as a “coming out party.” I was also told that my transitioning was the same as someone who chooses to abuse drugs and/or alcohol. This event with my family was the first time I had been rejected and I admit, it hit me pretty hard.
Since that happened, I have done better. I have still been hurt and all with what my family said to me, but I decided I was not going to allow that to cause me to love them less. I reminded myself I can be angry with them and hurt by them and still love them. I reminded myself that their actions define them. Their actions do not define me. My response to them is what defines me.
So I was doing well with all of this until this weekend. Why was I doing better UNTIL this weekend? Well, the wedding occurred last night.
For the past week, on my real life Facebook page, I have seen post after post from family members talking about how they were so excited to have the whole family together to celebrate the wedding. Well…guess what…? The whole family wasn’t there. And its not like a wedding I missed in 2016 because of a snow storm. I was blatantly told not to attend the wedding. I never received an invitation. I was told I was unwelcome at the wedding because I am “unique.”
Much of the sadness, anger and frustration has returned over the past few days. I admit that last night, I sat on my sofa and hoped that my aunt and uncle, at some point during the course of the wedding, thought about how poorly they treated me. I hoped that their actions somehow impacted them on this day of celebration by reminding them that after all the years of telling me I needed to do what I needed to do to be healthy and happy, they rejected me and told me I was not welcome after I have started down the path that has me healthier and happier than ever before.
I don’t regret these feelings. I didn’t want my cousin to think about it. I didn’t want anything to ruin the wedding. I just wanted my aunt and uncle to remember that for all their talk of love and acceptance, they made a choice to not act as they speak. I don’t know. Maybe that desire is wrong? Maybe not. All I know is its what I felt.
I still love this aunt and uncle. I don’t like their choices lately, but I still love them. As much as I disagree with their choice to exclude me, I did make sure to respect it and all the other things they asked of me that had to do with my cousin and the wedding. I’ve had no contact with my cousin since disclosing to her, at my uncle’s request. I wonder if they even told me cousin they told me not to attend or if they lied to her and told her I had RSVP’ed that I couldn’t be there. I’ll probably never know the truth but then again, I am not the one who has to live with making that choice, whichever it was.
The good thing is I know I will be ok. That has a lot to do with all of you who support me and encourage me to “be me” every day. I know it is just who all of you are, but that acceptance and love of me as me…you have no idea how much it lifts me up every day. Thank you all.