Checking In

Its been a while since I have posted on this blog.  I’ve been busy as hell on my fashion blog but that’s not really an excuse.  There have been a few reasons I have been quiet here.  One is the RL has been very busy and stressful.  There have been some major changes at work that have impacted me more than I expected they would.  I’ve also had some family/social things that I have had to address.  With all of that, as much as I hate to say it, delving into the camera and posting on a fashion blog for SL has seemed much more relaxing.

Fortunately, the fashion blogging does help me process quite a bit too…just in a much more symbolic way.

Despite this though, its also just been hard to get thoughts and emotions into words here lately.  Diving into symbolism has been, just…easier.

So…a quick and dirty summary of some of what has been going on…

  • My sister in law still has not spoken with me.  In fact, at a couple of recent family events, she has walked away from conversations where I am discussed and has not acknowledged me or my letter to anyone in the family.  Sadly, I expected this…at least for a while.  I still hold out hope that she will accept me in the future.
  • I disclosed to my step-father who was nothing but supportive of me.  This man amazes me more and more every day of my life and I love him dearly.  He came into my life when I was a child, about two years after my biological father died, and really has loved me as though I am his own child.  I am so grateful for him and love him dearly.
  • There have been big changes at work.  My boss, who is also one of my best friends, left for a job in Texas.  Her leaving has been difficult as I no longer get to see a woman who I respect so much and has been such a supporter of me in all areas of my life.  I know our friendship will never end…but I just miss seeing her every day at work.
  • The summer term is almost done and I am gearing up for the fall term with school, which also means completing my internship and finally graduating.
  • With my boss leaving, I was originally told to expect to be promoted to Interim Director, with the possibility of assuming that position permanently.  They decided to go with someone else as the director and while I normally handle not getting jobs I have sought very well, this one has stung and has really rattled my belief in my organization and more immediately, my direct leadership.
  • Anxiety is a bitch and has led me to become a bit more reclusive as my physical appearance changes more but people who don’t know me as well still see me as the same ‘ol me.

A whole lot I could discuss today.  I think today though, I want to talk a bit about the anxiety I have been experiencing lately.  Most of those I know who have transitioned have described similar incidents, so I don’t think I am alone in this.

This whole “transition” triggers so much anxiety at times that its hard to describe it all in terms others would understand.  It’s weird…I have no problem going to work.  I have no problem going to my internship.  I do those every day without flinching.  I attend all my meetings at work without issue.  If I am asked to do things or attend events with people who know I am transitioning, I can go no problem.

It’s everything else that’s eating at me and making me start to become very reclusive in my RL.

As I look in the mirror each day, I am starting to notice subtle changes.  I am finally able to notice my hips and butt starting to develop more since starting injections.  My breasts continue to develop and are almost to the point where they will be impossible to hide.  I see more shifts in my face, particularly as my eyes and cheeks begin to change.  And my hair…the one thing everyone notices…is almost to the point where I can pull it back into a ponytail.

What does this mean?  Lots of questions and they are typically being asked in settings where I don’t feel comfortable talking about it and/or with others around who I don’t think have any need to know that I am transitioning.

So what have I done?  I have started to withdraw in RL.  I don’t go out much anymore.  I have this bubble of safety in my home where no one can bother me and my dog will help protect me.  My social life is carried on primarily through texting or phone calls with those closest to me in RL and through the digital window called Second Life, where I typically feel very safe, secure and dare I say even confident in myself.

Does this anxiety and fear impact my decision to transition at all?  Hell no.  I am doing what I need to do.  I won’t stop.  But I had shared in a previous post about how transitioning is not glamorous or easy as some people try to make it out to be.  I can tell you, beyond a shadow of a doubt, that it is scary as hell and very isolating at times…at least at this point in the journey.

I shared these feelings last night for the first time with a friend as an intense sense of loneliness has crept into my life recently.  That’s not something I have felt in a long time.  Having said that, let me say that I feel lonely…not alone.  I know I have not been forgotten or abandoned…I just feel like I am alone on some island at times.  I know some of what is driving that feeling is my fear and anxiety.  I know some of it is my own doing as well.  I can also tell you that some of it is because of this…while some people will always stand by you, I have witnessed some who slowly disappear into the shadows as they begin to notice the physical changes.  Its one of those realities I am having to learn to accept.  Its in times like these you discover who your true friends are.

Why do I share this today?  Partly to get it out there in the open and out of my head as that it is only making it worse.  I am also putting it out there because as I am experiencing some of this anxiety, I am noticing that it is impacting how I react with others in SL too.  The one place I should have no fear of being me, I occasionally find that fear creeping in.  But then again, I have always said our real life traits do trickle over to SL, no matter how much we try to deny it.

If I get quiet and don’t reach out to you as much, please don’t take it personally because it IS NOT personal.  Sometimes, its hard to talk about all that’s in my head and so avoidance can be easier even though it isn’t healthy.  But also don’t be afraid to reach out to me as well.  I take full accountability for my own actions, or lack there of, in not reaching out to others as much as I could/should.  Its been easier to hide behind the lens of a camera in SL and to try to block those feelings out than to admit them and confront them.  So if you don’t hear from me, please know I am not ignoring you and I have not forgotten about you.  I am just feeling very overwhelmed these days with my emotions and where things are for me mentally.  I would still love to hear from you because I do cherish each of you and all of your support.

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2 thoughts on “Checking In”

  1. I know exactly how it feels to want to go silent for a while, to digest and absorb things in my life. I think it’s a requisite for maintaining our sanity. So, I may shout in IMs and shake your box sometimes, but please know that I never expect you to jump up and answer. If you do, it makes me feel good, but it’s not something I ever require of any of my friends. Knowing that you feel lonely breaks my heart, but again I share those feelings myself, sometimes. I can count the people in my RL who I share my feelings with the way I’ve shared with you. To wax all pessimistic and cynical, we are all born alone and will die alone. How’s that for a sunny bright spot? 🙂 Meanwhile, it is incumbent upon each of us to try to touch our loved ones and let them know we care, that they’re not quite as alone as it feels.

    I wish I could hug you and tell you that you’re not as alone as it feels. But this is the best I can do for now. ❤

    Like

    1. It means more than you know, hon. It really does. And I can promise you that if I don’t respond to your IM’s, I am either away from my computer or buried in a photo or blog post. You have this amazing way of brightening my days and it means more than you know.

      And yeah…sometimes we have to take that time to process. I think we all have days where we look in the mirror and wonder how to get the chaos in our brains out to the people while still sounding sane. It can be a struggle.

      Thank you for just being you and being such an amazing person. Love you! ❤

      Liked by 1 person

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